My thoughts on Suffering... and an update!

Suffering is to one what normal is to another is to what devastation is to yet another. Suffering is part of our human existence. There is no way to avoid it and not one of us will escape it. We have all done it and we will do it again. The only difference in us humans is how we suffer, and what we do when we feel the effects of suffering.
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." ~Helen Keller

We are a spoiled generation

of humanity that carries expensive cell phones, has our nails done, goes to the movies but somehow fall short and cannot afford the electric bill. We are spoiled to the point that we feel the least bit of doing without is suffering. We expect to be able to do what we want, when we want it and expect to be rescued from "suffering" when that suffering is just consequences for our actions. No, I am talking about true suffering...

The loss of a Loved One, Persecution for beliefs, Being Bullied, Not having food in your home or basic shelter, Painful Disease... The list goes on... Have you ever read the story of Job? That is "Suffering."
There are benefits of suffering too. Paul's thorn in the flesh (2 Cor. 12:7) kept him from becoming proud. Knowing that he had a thorn in the flesh and still kept his faith even though it is not believed that it was ever healed sure makes a great example for me. So we who suffer and continue to fight the good fight and walk in faith can be an example to others. Not only an example but because we have suffered we too can join the ranks of all those suffering and comfort those who suffer. 2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our

Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
There are many examples in scripture of suffering that was brought on by transgression. Much easier to not think about, but often we are suffering because we have sinned against our Father and we are simply experiencing the consequences. Like David, we too must face consequences for our actions. For not one is without sin and we all shall reap what we sow. I am not talking about that kind of suffering here either.

So I encourage you, if you are suffering pain, trial and tribulation today, remember...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

On a more personal note....



as I know many follow Brynnon's story here... He is stable at the moment, staying for the most part at his baseline. Since we went on July 15th to have it increased,  he has developed a side effect of nausea and pain in the upper stomach area from the VNS and he may have to go back to have the settings changed to see if it will alleviate this side effect. We are waiting on insurance approval to try a stimulant to see if it will possibly help his cognitive disorder. We will try it at home and see if we notice improvement and at his next visit he will be dosed up so that when he has a Cognitive Evaluation they will record any changes from the last one in July. 
I wasn't really excited about the stimulant at first, but was willing to try when his Neurologist sugested that it may help him retain information in his learning  journey and perhaps even help his slow processing. After researching it and seeing that it is used in lower IQ children and can possibly have a good effect on him. I feel that since he has stayed around his baseline (his normal 4-6 seizures a week) for the most part for several weeks now, and since he is 13, still only Reading at a 1st grade level and overall cognitively functioning at a 6-9 year old level... it is certainly worth a try. I have to admit I have since gotten a little excited at the possibilities and figure anything is worth a try. All in all, we are having a very nice relaxed Home Schooling Summer.... 
Sorry I haven't updated lately...
    We have had a lot going on...
    Will update more soon...
    or perhaps a bit later!

   ~Denise 
"I do not ask You to take away my suffering;
I do not even want to know why I suffer;
but only this, my God....
Do I suffer for Your sake?"
~Levi Yitzhok of Berditchev

Endurance

Waiting... I never really enjoyed waiting. I admit, I use to be better at it too. I remember people use to say "Denise, you have the patience of a saint." Just words, but I must have been given a great gift of patience. I have to work harder now at Patience, because I feel I lack something, Endurance...  I get anxious now waiting. I feel like I do not have the strength to wait things out.

When you have a child with refractory epilepsy, so much waiting is required. No matter how much patience you think you have, watching your child have a seizure will make you feel like you do not have the endurance to go on...
You start this medicine with so much hope that it will make the seizures stop. It does, for a while and another is added when things get out of control...               On and on this process goes...

 Finally one day the Dr. says, this may be the best we get. We did the VNS surgery for this reason. The medications tend to help Brynn honeymoon for a time, but once again his body just gets use to it or learns how to seize despite the medication. So, we did the surgery with the hope that he would do better than the one third chance of a 50% reduction in seizures.... and we wait... and wait... Did you know that in training for endurance, you could end up with a negative impact on strength if you do not also practice resistance training. Waiting in faith is like training and without prayer we too would end up weak. The boys and I pray every night for Brynn and all the children and adults we know that have seizures to not have seizures anymore. We praise Abba Father that one of them has stopped having seizures and a few others improved! This has encouraged our faith once again and helped me to become stronger... and continue to endure! We weaned one medication and started a new medicine... and waited some more.  And.... Once again, we have a honeymoon! Yes, Brynn is back to baseline and better with the Onfi! He is not having Tonic Clonic the moment and the Tonics and Complex Partials are so much less traumatic! This honeymoon started out great, fizzed out and then came back full force it seems! We are so excited and enjoying this time! We started fund raising to get Brynn a SAMi Seizure Alert Monitor Camera System. Brynn and Brett always being find of Survival Bracelets wanted to make them. So we bought the 550 Parachute cord in fun colors and got to learning! Brynn and Brett like to try, but they haven't mastered the art of making

them... So at present I have made oh about 70 of them!  Saving and Hope to buy him a Recumbent bike soon too! After he had the seizure while riding the bicycle he has been heartbroken that the neuro said no more bike riding. He has only been able to ride his 4-wheeler once so far. The recumbent bike sits low to the ground, has three wheels and in the event he has a seizure while riding at least he will be close to the ground and not fall over... We even had a Lemonade Stand for the first time last Sunday! The boys had so much fun and raised $20 for the SAMi fund!!

So here we are again, waiting... and being patient... Knowing ever still that Abba Father is in complete control... It will be as it will be, in HIS time and only then... Not the easy fun we had hoped for, but you know... at least we are having some fun along the way!!
Ah, indeed...
The longer you wait the better it is!!

Don't Ever Doubt It,
Abba Father Knows ALL!!

The Stream of Rushing Water

I have been reminded over the past few weeks of the stream of rushing water. Many years ago I heard a preacher preach about the stream. Over the years I have expanded the concept as I have deepened my understanding of my own spiritual walk as well as through helping others to understand this. It has always been a strengthening thing to think upon and always seems to help me get over the rough patches. We are all as human beings in the great big stream of life little stones. Some of us have many different jagged edges. Some of us have jagged edges of bitterness, jealousy, self pity and so on. Some of us have a few big jagged edges. Doesn't matter which kind you have... These jagged edges prevent us from going through the stream of life as Abba Father intended. It is only through bumping into other stones (people and life lessons) that these jagged edges are broken away. It can be a painful experience to have those jagged edges knocked off, but it is for our own good! In my own life I have had

many jagged edges knocked off... at times I had to stay by the bank a while to recover from the bump that it took to knock the tougher ones away. At the bank, I saw so many other stones in recovery too. Some of those stones left the bank and jumped back to the stream before I did... others stayed when I jumped back in and I never saw many of them again. Some stones will have more bumps because we need to be smoother for the life that we are called for. Some seem to keep going, as if they never had any jagged edges... There are even stones that are going with the flow and are not really chosen for a purpose, they just keep going and will reach the final destination in the same state that they were created. Many are called but few chosen. If you are chosen, you cannot reach your destination of who you are meant to be and do what you are called to do without getting rid of those jagged edges.       

You see, when David chose 5 stones to concur Goliath, he carefully chose SMOOTH stones. He chose five, not one. He was prepared for battle, he didn't expect it to be easy and he was prepared for the Father to help him, not do it for him. Smooth stones have more distance, accuracy and they will hit the mark. Jagged stones stray off course, fall short of the mark and seldom go where they are sent. The next time you get bumped and are hurt by the words or actions of others or the life lesson that is bringing you down remember, it is necessary and will strengthen you. It will also help you to become smooth so that you will go further, not stray from the target and will help you to fulfill your purpose. As you ponder this, think about the faith it took David to say "Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied." (1 Samuel 17:45) David knew his purpose, he knew his calling and he knew beyond a shadow of doubt that a small teenage boy could defeat a huge 9 foot giant, not of his own might but with Abba Father he could do anything!
In these past few months there have been lots of changes around here. Brynn has left baseline again and had a seizure riding his bike. His neuro says no more bike riding until his seizures are better controlled. Of course this means no 4-wheeler either, and this is heart breaking. Brynn has two favorite things to do in this world, ride his bike and 4-wheeler. We will be trying to purchase a recumbent bike for him to be safer since it is low to the ground and would be more stable if he had a seizure on it. We realize it could have been so much worse falling off a two wheeled bike, even with his helmet on. We have made some med changes (increasing Onfi and Vimpat PM dose) and have seen a better trend back towards his normal seizure baseline. Abigail has turned three and is learning to read very quickly. She had a surprise visit from her favorite person... Her Gan Gan!!!!!!!!

I am feeling very blessed lately by the generosity and love that the children have received from a few special people. Honestly, I believe in the past few months the smaller children have been given more than they ever have. $25 gift cards, headphones, remote control cars, spy gear & robot bugs for the boys, Lalaloopsy DVD's, Dolls galore and clothes for Abigail... We even were blessed to receive a $50 gift card for immediate needs at Wal Mart. I feel so blessed and cherish those special friends and family that have made a difficult time easier to bare, it means so much to us all. I am glad to have you all in the stream with us... I am thankful for all of you that have sat on the bank with me and even thankful for those few who have knocked me a time or two. Regardless of the intentions, Abba Father will make what the enemy meant for evil into good for His glory... Thank You Abba Father for using our situation for Your glory... 

                                        Don't ever doubt it, Abba father knows all...  

Ones Mountain is anothers Molehill...

 Being Brynns Momma has brought me to many support pages, so many blogs and many places reading about some really special children. Across the Special Needs community, even the Epilepsy support groups there are as many varied parents as there are children. Some parents tend to take it all with stride, on the outside it appears that they have it so together it makes you wonder just how they do everything they do. Others are so fragile, you pray that the next moment will be met with relief as you just feel that they cannot possibly handle another thing. I tend to be somewhere in the middle, at least I would like to think I am.
 

 I remember when Brett was 2 and I found out that his "never-ending sickness and reoccurring respiratory infections" was actually asthma. I remember how traumatic it was for me to watch as they pricked his little back 25 times to do the allergy test. For me as a parent, before that moment even with four older children at that time, that was the most traumatic thing I had ever experienced with my children. The first time he had to be rushed to the ER because he couldn't breath despite the treatments at home was more than I thought I could bare... Not because I couldn't handle it, but because to me it was the worst thing ever. My reality, my world and my perception was shaken and changed forever in under 15 minutes...

It was as if the whole world stopped….. In one split second.

In S L O W M O T I O N….
I watched in horror as he laid on the floor jerking, foaming at the mouth…. His Daddy with him talking to him, calling his name… 
Brynnon, Brynnon…. Oh GOD please help him… I think it’s a seizure… 
He’s not breathing... I am screaming to the operator… 
Flagstaff Street…. F L A G S T A F F Street… 

Oh my God, please Abba Father…
Please help him breath… What is happening…. Oh God please make it stop……. Flagstaff is on the left…… Oh God please hurry…… 

He is breathing…… He stopped Jerking……… He won’t wake up…….

Thank God the ambulance is here…
 Ah, now this was different territory than I had ever experienced. To see your child with eyes rolled back, turning blue, shaking and not knowing what is happening... that is by far the scariest thing I had ever experienced. My perception of the event in that moment was a billion times worse than it was. Simply because I had never experienced anything like that in anyone, or my child.


Brynnon….. Brynnon….. Oh GOD Please No…….
Screaming for help, no one can hear me…. 

He’s not breathing….
HELP…. Okay, I can do this… Turn him on his side….
His Daddy comes… Gets on the bed with him… Holding him……
Time always seems to go so S L O W L Y….
911… My Son he is having a Seizure….  
He is not breathing……..
He will be 11 tomorrow…


Over  the years, my perception has changed some... I am still terrified when I see a Tonic Clonic seizure, but as long as it stops before that 5 minute mark I can handle it pretty well. Once it reaches over 5 minutes my adrenalin runs wild and I am scared to death that he will not come back to us. The Complex Partial and other seizures I can handle a bit more, those too scare me after the first minute or so. I guess because I have seen so many, your tolerance grows as with any other thing. So when you come across a Mom, a blog, a support site and you are tempted to think that person is making a mountain out of a molehill... remember that everyone's mountain is different.


I think Brynn is having a seizure… The words echoed in my mind…. 

Handing Abigail to somebody…  I can do this…
TIME… What Time Is It?????? 1:39 AM…. 

Oh GOD he is not breathing… Call 911, we are supposed to wait…

TIME??? 5 Minutes…. He is still not breathing…

His lips are blue… His chin is BLUE… CALL 911….
He’s not breathing…….  I am Suctioning his mouth… 

He’s still not breathing…. Oh Father please let him Breath…

Okay time he is breathing and lightly jerking…. Time…. 12 minutes….
He is going into another seizure I think… Okay, Brynnon stay with me… 

He is having another seizure I think… and another…
Fire Department is here… Ambulance is here… 
A shirt…
I can’t believe I forgot his shoes….

I have had people express that they don't know how I do all I do, when I feel like it will never be enough.
I too have had a family member look me straight in the eye and say "There is not a GD thing wrong with that boy." and another say "He's not retarded, if you keep treating him like something is wrong your gonna make him retarded."  Ignorance abounds in every area of the world. In our families, in the grocery store, in schools, even in the very Special Needs Communities that are supposed to help and support hurting parents. Some people think that all children affected with Cerebral Palsy are severely intellectually disabled. Some people think that all children that are Autistic are completely non-verbal. Some people think that all persons with Epilepsy will be intellectually disabled. Some people, even physicians, think you cannot have seizures while sleeping.  Some people think there is only one degree of intellectual disability. Some people just do not think. They assume that they know what they are talking about, refuse to take the time to learn anything... because to them your mountain is just a molehill. Nothing you could ever say to them will change that... 

 So let the tears of that hurt roll off that mountain and eventually, it will create the most beautiful garden for you and your child to sit in and explore all the beautiful flowers that the Father has created in His awesome wonder and perfection...

Each and every one of those special children whether disabled or seen by the world as perfect are indeed perfect. God does not make mistakes... and even if you feel like you cannot handle the mountain in your life. I can tell you with all certainty, that God knows your mountain and He would never give you more than you are able to bare. Every parent has their own mountain to deal with on a daily basis. Some more scary, some more life threatening, some more stressful, some more life altering than others... but never forget... all are traumatic to that parent. Yes, your mountain may be a Molehill to someone else and even more shocking your Molehill may be a Mountain to someone too... Just remember...
"I can do all things through Christ (Messiah) who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
 

 

It's been a while!

It has been a while since I have taken the time to update here. We have been busy with home school and a few other things. Brynn has finally tested at a 1st Grade level in all areas of Reading. We have worked really hard on Inferring, Context Clues and Reading Comprehension.

This has made a bigger impact than he has experienced to date in his learning. It is a beautiful thing to see he figure out a word based on context and his confidence has grown so much that he does not hesitate to guess a new word or one he can not decode. He seems to have lost some decoding ability along the way, so we will have to figure out how to get that balanced.  Brynn received a Hernando Bear, sponsored through Angels 4 Epilepsy and TG Bears. He loves his Hernando and sleeps with him. He is a good companion and as Brynn says he is his Epilepsy Fighting Bear. He was promised a bear through another organization months before his VNS surgery. He never got it, so I bought him another bear. He said he didn't want to take it to surgery because it was not an Epilepsy Fighting Bear. Hernando is so special to him... Monica, the beautiful woman who hand makes the bears, said she put extra fight in his Hernandos stuffing! He cut out the sticker from the box he came in and proudly displayed it on his memory shelf. That shelf is full of beautiful memories... 

  Seizure wise Brynn has experienced an awakening cognitively since the introduction of Onfi stopping a lot of the little seizures that you can not see. The bigger seizures are still there, just not as often, which has made a difference in our lives! He is spending a lot more time talking and has had spontaneous laughter more and more. Silly boy, we have really enjoyed having more of the real Brynn back these past few weeks. Just before his Children's visit last week, we saw a decline cognitively and an increase

in seizures. He had a runny nose, headache and was declining so quickly cognitively, I took him to the ER. It was decided there that it was an increase in seizures and allergies due to the high pollen count. We went to Children's Monday. His neuro increased the Onfi from 10 mg to 15mg 2X Daily. This has already made a difference, and we will not start the daytime dose until Monday! We also agreed it was time to l et go of the Klonopin, since he does not need to be on 2 Benzo type drugs regularly. He was only on .5 before bed and it has been two years since he started it. I haven't noticed a difference, except perhaps a little clustering, which seems to have been helped by the Onfi increase. I expect once we increase the daytime dose we will level out again. We also were able to attain the Zonegran Brand Name Medically Necessary again. I do wonder if he may have done better with the brand name when he started the Onfi. It was such a dramatic difference... I guess time will tell. This time when his VNS was adjusted he had no change in is voice, no hoarseness and no coughing at all. I kind of missed the robot voice all the way home... but I us am happy that he seems to have gotten use to the device. His VNS is set to 1.25 cycle and 1.5 magnet. Speaking of the VNS,

we bought this custom made band for his VNS Magnet from Kimberly's Crafts on Facebook. It's just what he needed as it fits his ankle instead of his wrist. The magnet will destrtoy any electronic devices, credit cards and so on that it comes in contact with. So we needed one for his ankle, when I could not find one I contacted her to make it! It came out great! His neuro once again said that we will likely not see seizure freedom with Brynnon, and that our goal is to keep seizures at a minimum for him while not affecting his cognitive ability negatively. I am anxiously awaiting seizure freedom, I will not loose hope that he will one day be seizure free. We are still only 6 months out with the VNS, perhaps before this honeymoon phase ends we will notice a difference. We will likely discuss trying to wean Vimpat next, as we are not sure what impact this medication has on his seizures either. No matter what we will not touch the Zonegran, having the month of August as a permanent reminder of just how much he needs that medication.
 

Brett is doing great with the Alpha Omega Life Pacs. It was a good decision to place him in that curriculum to allow more one on one time with Brynn, since Brett has the ability to work independently.
 

Abigail has begun to want to home school. We are working slowly on the Starfall books and preschool workbooks. Hard to believe she will be 3 in just two weeks. 


We had a wonderful day on Epilepsy Awareness day! Everyone wore PURPLE and it made Brynn feel so special that it was his day! So here are a few pictures of our lovely purple day!

New Year off to a good start!

I am really liking this year so far!
Brynn's 8 week Depakene wean in COMPLETE! Only noticed an increase in small seizures and some increased daytime tiredness, which seems to be leveling off now. We are enjoying his stability seizure wise, with only 1-3 larger seizures a week. Not sure if it is the VNS or the Zonegran increase that is making it possible, I guess time will tell! Even the larger seizures he seems to bounce back from easier and have less effects afterwards. We will go back to Children's hospital next week for his VNS increase. I dofeel so much more relaxed with the last several weeks feeling so positive for Brynn. I worry when he sleeps 12-14 hours a day, but if he is not having a seizure increase I can see, I remind myself that he may just need that extra sleep. Will still discuss it with the Neurologist as we know he has seizures we cannot see also. Excited to get our tax refund in a few weeks to help fund fresh new materials for home school. I purchased McGuffy's Readers for Brynn and he seems to like them so far. A change from the Merrill Readers he has used for so long. I hope that we can bring him to at least the 1.5 level in Reading with them. We have pulled Sequential Spelling from our curriculum as well. It started with his Neuro stating in the office that if he needs assistance in any way to answer the questions (additional statements or questions) it is not counted as right. He couldn't answer where he was (Children's Hospital), What city he was in (New Orleans), What day it was or even what Month we were in. We had talked about going to the appointment on Tuesday, in New Orleans at Children's for weeks. He writes the month and day everyday in his home school. I was kind of upset at first thinking, but it's not his fault that he needs reminders or hints. It's just the way his brain works, he has to have something to tie things together. He knows New Orleans is where the Super Dome is and he knows Children's is the Hospital he goes to. After the initial shock that he couldn't answer, I was upset. I was upset because it got me thinking, well if he can only spell "should" if you give clues (Should, would, could-U should know this) then does he really know how to spell should? If you have to say anything to get the right answer, is it right? My gut ached as I realized, no it's not. It feels better to think it is, but in the real world it's wrong. If after 2+ years of giving those reminders in the AVKO Sequential Spelling he still cannot spell those words without me sounding them out for him and giving hints, I must conclude that he has not been successful with it. So we started an old Jones Spelling book. He will be given three words every Monday to dictate sentences for. I will write the sentences and he will copy and read them a few times a day. On Friday he will be given the sentences and be asked to  write them. It's his sentences, that he made up, so he will be connected to them. Hopefully, this will give better results than spelling 25 words a day has. Brett (8) is Reading at a 3rd grade level, so he will begin to use Alpha Omega LifePacs this year. He is confident and able to work independently, which will allow more time for me to work one on one with Brynn. Abigail will be working in Pre-K to keep her busy! :) I will be buying Brynn lots of work books focused heavily on inferencing, Context Clues, Writing, Punctuation and Thinking Skills. After discussing things with a teacher friend of mine, she helped me realize the reality that he is 13, and he just may never read above a first grade level. I knew this before, but I thought if we worked hard enough he would advance forward over time. He has stayed at this same exact level for almost two years now. So at this point we need to focus on fine tuning the skills that he has attained as we add more, hoping that he will retain them. Deep down inside I am a bit excited to see if this lower seizure baseline will stay as it certainly will help his cognitive function. I will be asking about Neuropsychological testing again at this visit. As it is important to know what if any impact the past seizures have had on his overall ability. 
 A real beautiful person, the swing lady I talked about before, is sending the boys and Abigail $100 gift cards to spend on clothing. What a blessing! She is also giving a $200 gift card for household stuff. I think I see a new set of pots in my future! :)
We are definitely more at peace here in MS, the air is cleaner and our minds are too! I am learning to trust in our Abba Father and lean on Him for understanding instead of fighting through all the details myself, trying to figure it all out. Learning too, that we don't have to understand every single thing, we just have to trust Him and His will in all things and know that it will all work out for His Glory. I have done all I can do, now I will stand and trust Him! He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it!  ~Denise